A Riot of Lunacy
by LunaDiamond
Summary: [Cross-posted from AO3] Shinichi's life goals: defertilize each and every mafia boss with an excruciating kick down under. He's having some trouble completing said goal, though. KaiShin - Mafia/Agent AU
1. Chapter 1

Notes: This fic should be in between T and M rated because of some limey scenes /shakeshead

And language. Can't forget swearing.

-.-.-

"Agent 4869, Agent 4869, are you okay? Please respond, Agent 4869?!"

"Roger.. I'm f-fine.."

"4869, you don't sound fine, if you're sustaining an injury, contact internal paramedics please.."

"No, I'm fine.." Shinichi wheezed, clutching onto his arm, with blood seeping through his suit from the bullet wound.

"If you're in need of assistance, contact us immediately, over."

"Understood."

Shinichi snapped shut his phone and glared up at the man dressed in white in front of him, violet eyes twinkling slightly in the moonlight.

"My, my, tantei-kun, still accepting calls in this position?" He whispered sultrily, cracking a smirk, leaning in closer.

"KID, you fucking bastard," The shorter teen growling, trying to will himself further into the wall. This position was too uncomfortable for anyone's liking.

"Ah, ah, Agent 4869; CONAN, let's see if you'll have the energy to scream that later," The messy-haired boy sneered, and forced Shinichi into a harsh, fast and way too floppy kiss, with him running his tongue over the other's teeth possessively, and Shinichi squirmed under him, hands desperately clawing at the taller's chest in vain.

 _Shit,_ Shinichi's thoughts hurdled, _he's too strong to push away, and my gun's by the side of the roof's ledge._

His thoughts and careful considerations were jerked to a halt when a hand began reaching down, and he hissed, and, without a moment's hesitation, pulled his ruffled hair as far back as he can, and slapped the boss as hard on the face as he could.

The moment skin came in contact with skin, a sharp slap echoed across the roof, and KID stumbled back, eyes sharpening, and holding a hand to his cheek.

"You little.."

Shinichi wiped his mouth hastily with his sleeve, and spat, "Some damn warning would be appreciated before you come up and, oh, I don't know, _molest me_?"

"Ah, did you know, tantei-kun, that personality of yours can be a huge turn-off sometimes?" He stepped forward. Shinichi traced the wall with his hand and slid to his right, towards his Type 56-1, and slowly shifted himself into a defensive position.

And he blinked.

The guy disappeared.

"Shit-" His head snapped left and right, scanning furiously around the deserted rooftop, winds howling. He paced towards his gun.

"Nuh-uh, Secret-Japanese-Police-san, I want to have my fun first before you," A breathy voice was carried with the breeze, and drifted into the agent's ear, and his blood ran cold, and whipped around immediately.

KID's eyes shone like glittering jewels in front of him, one amethyst and the other a rich sapphire, and Shinichi felt like he was drowning – suffocating – in the hues, before his back crashed against the concrete, and if it wasn't for his protective reflexes, he'd have a concussion now.

Slender, calloused hands wasted no time tearing apart the dark blue jacket, leaving a white dress shirt and it's miniscule buttons, which the mafia boss wasted no time prying apart with his teeth, and before Shinichi could retaliate, and perhaps slap him a second time, his hands were pinned above his head harmlessly, with just one hand and a crushing grip.

"What the hell – ah! – stop, d-dammit!"

The violet eyed seemingly payed no attention and licked and nipped viciously at the pale collarbone, forcing the younger teen to suppress a whimper.

"If you don't stop struggling, this'll make it more painful."

"What-"

Shinichi clamped his mouth as hard as he could to force back down a rising moan, which he absolutely did not need the bastard hearing right now.

Fingers trailed down his backside, and caressed his buttocks, causing some horrified thrashing and kicking.

The hand slithered back around to the front, and lifted the flaps of the dress shirt up and began dragging down the zipper to reveal black boxers underneath.

This earned him a shriek of protest.

"Now, now, no need to rush, kitten."

"Who the hell are you calling a 'kitten'?!" The flushing agent snapped, twisting his arms in an attempt to free himself.

The boss hummed in response, grip still firm on the wrists and sliding his gaze down across the blue-eyed boy's pale stomach, and maybe just a bit lower, and back up again.

And he was applauding himself for his victory, and leaning forward in a suggestive manner, when he was thrown off balance and onto _his_ back, and the _chack_ of a gun was like thunder to his ears. It looked like his valient struggling and pushing had bore some fruit, after all.

His hand still clutched onto the other's wrists, but only one now, with a hollow barrel of a gun in front of his face, and a smooth finger twitching on the trigger. KID didn't even have to see to know that the safety's off.

"Game turned 'round, _boss_ ," Shinichi strained out the last word like a menace, shifting his weight, and almost letting a yelp when his backside brushed across the mafia's leg.

"Oh? Still some fight left in you, I see."

The gun shifted closer.

"Always did."

And the glimmer in his eyes was so deep and enchanting and the sweat glimmering, grin wide, that KID, without any second thoughts whatsoever, threw his head upwards to lock his lips, at the same time, bodily dragging the agent's hips against his own hardening erection.

"Secret Police! Hands up!" The door slammed open with huge force, and green eyes emerged, followed by reddish-oak. The former's eyes were full of fury.

KID's eyes flickered to the side. _They're here already, eh?_

He quickly, and accurately pushed the smaller agent's pressure points, and he slumped into KID's lap.

Hattori Heiji gritted his teeth, and lunged towards the two sprawled on the floor in aggravation.

"You bitch, get off Ku-CONAN, bastard!"

"My, Agent 1313 ELLERY, getting possessive, hm?" KID sidestepped a lunge towards him, but he could feel the close range of the grab. 1313's known for sharp movements and brash thinking, after all.

The blonde reappeared from behind the tanned teen, and was exteremerly close to flipping the boss maliciously onto the ground. Shinichi swayed in his arms.

 _Learn how to counter motherfucking judo,_ KID growled to himself, and make another point in his imaginary to-do list.

"Ah, 1528 WATSON, welcome, you're here too," KID beckoned. The tea-blonde snarled and growled through his communicator, "1412, west roof exit, over."

A vibration sounded through the messy-haired teen's breast pocket, and he glanced briefly behind him. _Ah, there's my helicopter, with Aoko too,_ he mused _, probably'll scream at me until I'll be deaf._

"Well, then, dearest company, unfortunately I must take my leave," He whistled as he grabbed onto the wooden rope-ladder, "Ciao! Don't forget to send tantei-kun my best wishes!" He winked for good measure, and the whirring of the chopper blades accompanied the distancing of the rooftop, although, from the earpiece, he could hear curses picked up right and left by the bugs he planted.

"That damn flambouyant-"

"Son of a bitch, oi, Kudou, wake up, ya dope, did he do anything to you?"

"Hattori, we should prioritize getting Kudou-kun back to the base and let him rest, then allow him to add to our available information about KID."

"Ugh, where am- Shit, where the fuck's KID, that _bastard_ -!" Shinichi's voice turned panicky and frustrated.

"I take my words back," Saguru mumbled.

"Woah, woah, Kudou, breathe an' tell us, just how the fuck did that guy even got to lay a hand on you, much less get you groped an' molested."

Silence.

"..I'm never drinking my coffee before checking to see if it's drugged or not."

-.-.-

 _Omake_

"Hattori, I'm getting a location from the tracker Kudou-kun's got on him," Saguru huffed, climbing up the stairs and gaze scanning over his phone's screen and a flashing blue dot stared back up at him.

"So, Rooftop?"

"Rooftop."

"Oi, hang on, I'm getting noises from the bug on him too," Heiji skidded to a stop next to the stairs, and held a hand over his ear.

Static crackled, followed by various restrained whimpers and protests, undoubtly Shinichi's.

"…"

".. I had a dream the other day, an' for the record, KID cubes on a kebab stick does sound pretty tasty right now, no cannibal."


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: SJP = Secret Japanese Police

-.-.-

Shinichi wasn't normally the type to go to bars, oh no, he wouldn't dare.

But somehow he's here, sitting right in one, only on his second shot of gin, and feeling sloozy and unfocused. Hey, no one ever told him that he couldn't hold his liquor and he never did try to find the answer to it.

But, okay, where was he? Oh, right, the bar. Wait, and the dress too. Can't forget the dress.

Kudou Shinichi was sitting at a bar, already mildly drunk, and wrapped up in a cocktail dress.

The reason? An undercover infiltration mission.

It's always a mission.

And it's always for that damn mafia boss. He definitely didn't sign up for this.

KID was probably one of the most wanted of the people in his field (Trigger-happy self-declared bosses) and is wanted for blackmail, theft, property damage, bodily harm, break-ins, too much fashion sense (Wait, what?), sanity-breaking hyena laughter (Okay, Shinichi admits that his laughs do sound somewhat too mentally disturbing), and so the list goes on and on. Shinichi doesn't actually believe he's too much priority since he doesn't deal murders or serial killings, but he's only infamous for taunting the government and basically just the powerful and all that shit in general.

Apparently, according to 'reliable sources' (Shinichi's shooting a wild guess that the SJP is just taking Akako's advice too believably), their secret gathering tonight is taking place in a shady bar like this.

Shinichi offered to take up the mission, with nothing better to do, and offered to witness the meeting himself, and record any specific details straight through the communicator he's carrying to the Communication Sector.

But he's denied all of the assumptions sniped at him saying that he's taking this case for meeting with that infamous mafia jerk, because denial is always the way to go, right?

Of course, to infiltrate something like a mafia and criminal group tea party (SJP assured him that there would be no civilians on the scene), you'd need a disguise. And what luck it is that the SJP's infamous master of disguise happens to be his very own mother, Kudou Yukiko, and Shinichi honestly wishes that his features didn't scream 'feminine' when it came to measurements, clothing size, how pretty his face was (Accidentally blurted out by Heiji on his seventeenth birthday, but let's not go there), and just the general female stereotypical-ness, because that just causes the former actress to seize every opportunity to doll him up in a dress or a skirt or ponytails or _something_ ( _"But Shin-chan, I even have the family albums to prove that you really did wear a Lolita dress at that one family dinner!"_ Yukiko squeals) for important things like this.

But it seems like Yukiko really doesn't mind if her son's virginity is at risk or not, and she goes on and _poofs_ a _bikini_ out of nowhere to a sputtering Shinichi. And it gets worse, the other time they had to disband a whore auction, and the time where Shinichi tracked a serial poisoner to a girl's school and was forced into one of these skimpy skirts and-

"Hey, girlie, you look pretty lonely here. Want some company?" A man in his fourties, slightly unshaven and clearly drunk whistles as he takes a seat next to the blue-eyed boy, disintegrating all the thoughts. Shinichi flinched, and buried his nose in the glass of alcohol in a scarce attempt to avoid the impending situation. He could smell the pungent breath of the other man, and in all honesty, he has the impulse to shove a toothbrush in the guy's mouth.

"I'm fine, thank you very much," He let the sarcasm drip into his tone to let the other know that he wasn't interested in whatever the older man had in mind.

Drunktards can't seem to take the hint, though.

"Aw, you're such a cold one. I'm here if you need me," He had the decency to nuzzle _closer_ to the agent, and said agent wanted nothing more at that moment than to flip either himself or the drunk-cuddly-pedo or _someone_ out of the window so he could get away and run down the street screaming 'bloody mur-pedophiles'.

But he couldn't, and his self-control meter was still at a decent level, so he sat there unmoving, taking titanically large imaginary breaths, and counting to 362. The man next to him felt (finally) like he wasn't going to get an answer, so he sat back a little (To Shinichi's tremendous relief).

There is actually filth like this that KID interacts with? Good lord.

It was when he went for another sip of his (bitter) drink that he felt the clammy, meaty hands creeping slowly around his waist.

 _Ick._

There goes all the self-control in his imaginary meter, _woosh,_ watch it disintegrate into nothing.

Shinichi pushes away in disgust and, in a swift, fluid motion, he flings himself on the table with one hand and round-house kicks the pervert soundly square in the face. The older man stutters and howls in pain, and brings his hands up to his nose – which was bleeding like a mountain stream – and Shinichi quickly wipes his waist in disdain, trying to rid himself of the feeling of unwanted touching and reminding himself that he's a _male_.

"You bitch.." Oh is that sewer scum he hears talking again, "What was that?"

"What does it look like?" The agent muttered almost silently, but apparently the bleeding-nose and the man sporting it heard, and he roared in anger, "I'm going to teach you a lesson!"

Shinichi rolled his eyes dramatically as he dodged the lunge the older man made for him, _isn't that what they always say_?

"Get her!" The scum ordered while pulling himself up from the floor. The blue-eyed couldn't even process the sentence fully before a kick (From the pedo-bastard's goons?) was sent into his side, and he was sent hurtling into the wall.

Colours blurred and bled into each other, and there was a flaring sting in his side, and something tasting vaguely like blood coming from his mouth and over the greasy lip-gloss. Something resembling fuzzy dark blurs were coming closer and closer to him, and from the back of his lagging mind, he makes a discrete note not to drink then bash his head into a wall of any kind.

"Let's see how pretty she looks when she's screaming for help."

"Nah, I'd prefer her to have her mouth all clogged up."

Something tugged at his dress, and he instinctively tried to scuttle away, as a hand pulled the strap down lower and lower.

Another pulled at the wig – _the wig_ , holy shit nono _no_.

"The fuck, it's a boy!" A rough voice, like sandpaper exclaimed, "A crossdresser!"

Rustling of the camouflaged pockets, "And from the Secret Police too!" Shit, the _badge_.

"..He's still pretty though, look at the face, it doesn't make much difference.."

His mind was still a bit groggy, from the aftershocks of most likely a concussion, and the hands were everywhere now, here and there and around his waist and gripping onto his thighs and-

 _Shit_ , he didn't accept this mission to be played with by these perverted men, and inhaled sharply as he headbutted one of them – late thirties, large build – and let out a small whimper of pain, as he swept another off his feet with his leg.

Someone grabbed hold of him by the knee and the arm, and he struggled and flailed and kicked aimlessly for a good three seconds, painfully aware of the half-open dress and the knotted wig on the floor and the hand slithering up his thigh, before something suspiciously close to a gunshot rang out.

 _Bang._

Nevermind, that _was_ a gunshot. One that was fired dangerously close to them as well, judging from the volume, and the ringing of his ears.

"Well, what kind of trash do we have here?" A sickeningly familiar suave voice sang out across the room, and it seems like everything freezes at the mere first syllable.

One overly courageous man spoke up, "K-KID-sama, we-we were.. uh.. we.."

KID strode over, fast and powerful steps, and smiled. It, however, held a layer of ice over it.

"Spare me the excuses, what were you doing to this youn-" He glanced at Shinichi, who was still trying to cover himself futilely and looked up with mortification and vehemence. KID's smile grew a little harsh and chipped around the edges, "This visitor of ours?"

"Ah, sir, we-we.." The voice trailed off, sounding lost, and KID growled, yet still managing to retain his perfectly untouchable smile, hard and cold, "Fools, the lot of you." And he fired a warning shot for the second time that night, "Aoko," He waved over to a messy-haired girl who focused her attention when her name was called, "Yes, Kaito?"

"Cancel the gathering tonight."

"What..?! Kaito, we can't have that!" Aoko half-shrieked, eyebrows rising to her hairline.

 _"_ _Do it."_ Nothing else was heard from anyone.

KID, seemingly satisfied, gave a grunt bordering scathingly seething and just plain exasperated. Both came in large quantities. Shinichi stared in confusion as the mafia boss proceeded to kneel down and scoop the agent up into his arms, and it was then that he gave a squawk not unlike a parrot.

"KID, what are you doing?!" He sputtered, realising he was being carried bridal style in wiry, muscular arms. KID hummed, indigo eyes with a sliver of blue flickering and taking in the surroundings and the frozen statues sitting or standing in the middle of the bar, as he strode towards the exit, Shinichi still pawing for freedom in his arms, downright flushed on his cheeks.

"Dammit, are you deaf, you insensitive bastard?" KID twitched, he still had human emotions _thank you very much ehem_ , "Put me down, everyone's staring!"

So, KID did like the sassy and snarky agent most of the time, but now, now is just not the time, he decided, as he flicked up a small pill from the depths of the folds of his suit, and popped it in his mouth, careful not to break it with his teeth, then looked down at Shinichi dead serious – it earned him a curious squeak – and flashed a predatory and dominant smirk, before leaning down and kissing the cowlicked boy full on the lips.

It was too much teeth, and not enough tongue, but KID supposed it could do, and it was warm and moist and sweet, with slight undertones of black coffee, and KID absolutely relished it, scraping his tongue over the other's and the roof of the mouth and the teeth and _everything_ , claiming the territory all over.

The other was, unsurprisingly, shocked for a full five seconds – brain lag much – before trying to push himself away and sputtering midway into the kiss. He couldn't stop the inevitable white pill being passed into his mouth and made forcibly swallowed.

Only when Shinichi began to feel slightly weak and losing control of himself that he realised it was aphrodisiac.

"KID, you son of a.." He slurred off, and fell limp into the arms, his own arms and legs suspended in midair.

"Sweet dreams, tantei-kun," The other grinned back.

Aoko gaped like a fish behind him, save for all the other spectators present.

"Gotta make a delivery, seeya', Aoko," His laugh echoed around a room, but the figure was out the exit.

-.-.-

"What the fuck, the bastards, they had the nerve to touch 'im!" Heiji fumed, pacing back and forward and possibly trying to put on a charade (unknowingly) of a supremely-pissed hippopotamus.

Shinichi opened one bleary eye, then the other, and registered lying in a bed with his blankets wrapped around him like some burrito gone wrong. No wonder he was sweating like so, as he shifted under the layers of fabric.

"Hattori?" He croaked, and almost winced at the sand-papery feel his voice had obtained overnight. The other tanned agent didn't seemed to mind, as he padded over quickly with a frown on his face, "How ya feeling, Kudou? I take that last night's mission was a failure."

Huh, mission? What mis-

Shit no shit _no_.

"KID!" Shinichi screamed in utter horror, still wrapped in his cocoon prison and now wriggling like a trapped caterpillar (would be comical if not the situation), "I'm going to bash his head in from one side and out the other-!"

"Woah, Shinichi, calm down, _calm down_ ," Ran consulted, suddenly appearing in his vision, "First, let's get these blankets off, since someone," She shot a pointed look to Saguru, who was sitting in one of the corners of the room – Shinichi's room – and blushing, "Was worried sick and decided four layers of blankets would do you good."

Four layers of peeled-off thick fabric later, the blue-eyed boy sat on the edge of the bed in his pajamas, previously discovered that he was still sleeping in that horrendous cocktail dress, changed out of it, and is now deciding whether to go and dig himself a hole like a groundmole and stay in it forever and never see the light of day again, or to bash his head in a wall (again) and hopefully get amnesia while he was at it.

"So, Kudou-kun," Saguru started off, slightly unsure, "What happened last.. night?"

Shinichi groaned, and put his head into his hands, "I don't need this kind of stress in my life right now."

"Kudou, what happened? KID called us – we couldn't trace the call, though – really late last night and told us that he sent you to your house out cold. Did something happen at the gathering?" Heiji grimaced, checking the younger boy up and down for any telltale signs other than the atrociously large bruise on the right side of the abdomen and a concussion – which resulted in Shinichi's head being wrapped in a guaze.

"Damn, can I just lie down first? My head is killing me right now," Shinichi groaned, as he went to lie down, and Saguru rushed over and scolded something about using a pillow and Heiji rushed to get the painkillers and some water.

At the side, Ran chuckled, "Look at them, draping themselves all over you, Shinichi," and peered over the three, and Saguru flushed slightly and straightened himself, while Heiji just straight out rammed into the doorway before correcting his directions and finally headed for the painkillers.

When they were finally silent and Shinichi got his dear painkillers and three cups of water, Ran piped up, "So.."

"Last night I had to crossdress to infiltrate a criminal gathering with KID as the host and I notquitebut _okaymaybe_ gotten a bit drunk and some person tried to grope me so he's now at surgery getting a nose job and maybe his goons kicked me into the wall and tried to strip me and fucking KID comes and drugs me and sends me home," He states blandly, before rolling into his bed and flipping the covers over his head.

Saguru boggled – what a sight it was, while Heiji was still standing there, letting the words sink in, and Ran sighed.

"Mother of god, Shinichi, I'm surprised your chastity is still intact."

-.-.-

 _A/N: Decided this AU needed more love so here ;;_

 _Wow okay there may or may not be another chapter to this._


End file.
